To the ones who got away –
You’ll likely never read this. You’ve probably moved on to bigger and better things in your lives and that’s absolutely great. But you should know, when things get hard and you feel like you’re abandoned in the world, you’re still loved and thought of. When we broke up, I didn’t believe it was for the best. I thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough, or I loved you too hard. Maybe there was something wrong in my personality and character that turned you away. But after the pain subsided and the grief over the ended relationship had passed, I realized there wasn’t something wrong with me, and there wasn’t necessarily anything wrong with you either. There just wasn’t something right with “us.”
You needed someone more low-key and I needed someone who could handle my spontaneity. I needed to have the freedom to fly but you needed to fly on your own. We couldn’t keep each other grounded when we were both in the skies at the same time. You needed your family’s approval and I couldn’t fit into their box. I tried to though, for you I did. I clipped my wings so you could fly. I kept quiet so you wouldn’t have to stress over me. I’m not saying you didn’t try as well. But in the end, changing whom we were to make the other happy ended up making us miserable. We fought and pointed fingers but both of us were wrong because we weren’t right for each other.
For years I beat myself up because you’d cross my mind. I felt guilty when I’d move on to the next relationship and I’d still dream of you and pray for your happiness. I finally accepted not long ago though that my guilt was just me trying to change myself again to fit into something. I don’t hate you like others hate their exes. I still love you actually. No, not the “madly in love, I must be with you now” type of love. It’s the type of love you hold for another human that touched your life somehow. The kind you have after you’ve forgiven the other person and yourself, knowing that whatever you had in the past (because there will always be those “good memories”) shaped a piece of your heart.
You taught me to face my insecurities in myself and even though they are still there, I accept that I will never be perfect and that it’s ok. No one is perfect. You taught me that it’s ok that I need to be able to fly and be independent just like it’s ok that I need someone to keep me grounded so I have a place to come home to. You taught me that it’s ok not to agree with everything the other person believes. And you taught me how to love better. Even though we weren’t right for each other, you made me a better “me” so that I would be right for someone else. Each ended relationship, every broken heart; it all trained me how to find myself. I’ve become a better mom, wife, friend, sister…
So thank you to the ones who weren’t right for me. I do think of you and continue to love you because you showed me who I was in your own ways. I hope that you’ve continued to live your lives and have found joy. And when things get hard and you feel like the world is against you, I hope you know that you’re not alone. I’ve prayed for you every day that angels would help guide you towards your happiness.
The one who flew away